It’s a hard topic to discuss: pet bereavement. Maryglenn talks about how to move forward after the loss of your best friend.

I think this is such an important story to tell. We have all been there or dread the day when that moment finally comes. The period when we no longer hear the pitter patter of paws on the floor or our furry pals snuggling up to us on the couch. How do we deal with losing one of the most important companions in our lives? I spoke to Maryglenn to get her insight on the topic and talk about her services at Paws to Remember.

What is pet bereavement? Is it similar to human bereavement?

Pet bereavement is broadly defined as feelings of grief and mourning over the loss of a pet.  In some respects, pet bereavement is similar to human bereavement as it is brought about by a loss of a loved one, and usually prompts feelings of sadness, loss, pain, and grief.  However, given the nature of our relationships with our pets, pet bereavement is, in many ways, quite different than the feelings we experience following the loss of a human family member, friend, or companion.   

Our relationships with our pet companions is quite different than our relationships with our human companions.  For starters, our pets are an important part of our everyday routine, so naturally, losing a pet causes a huge disruption to every part of our lives. The disruption can cause incredible stress in our lives because nothing is the same.  Additionally, pets bring so much joy into our lives by being constant, so happy to see us, and loving us unconditionally—and it’s hard when we lose that source of joy.  Also important to note is this fundamental difference: our relationships with humans may leave us with mixed or conflicting feelings, but our relationships with our pets are typically pretty straightforward. We love them without question, we don’t hold grudges (nor do they) and when we lose them, the pain can be excruciating.   

How did you get involved in pet bereavement?

The short answer is this:  because of personal experience.  I know, first-hand, how hard it is to lose a beloved pet.  I was devastated when, on June 6, 2011, I lost my beloved Old English Sheepdog, Garcia, an incredibly special dog with whom I shared eleven years of my life.   

I struggled mightily after Garcia’s death, and felt so lost without him.  At the time, I would have had a hard time articulating just how or what I was feeling. Nothing could’ve prepared me for the intensity of my feelings.   

While I did not understand or even comprehend that I was in the throes of grief, I knew that I was not alone in my experience of loving, losing and grieving  a pet—and I knew that others, like me, also found themselves needing support during such sad and painful time.  

For nearly 8 years, I ruminated on the idea of finding a way to help people who struggle after losing pets.  Finally, I realized that it was time to stop thinking, and start doing. So I did. 

How did Paws to Remember come about?

The long—and somewhat circuitous answer is that the wheels were set in motion twenty years ago:  On May 13, 2000, when I brought home Garcia, an Old English Sheepdog I loved dearly. 

I’m not sure I could’ve loved Garcia more had I given birth to him myself. My life revolved around Garcia. I talked about Garcia nonstop, showed pictures of Garcia to anyone who would stand still, marveled at the wonder of Garcia, missed him when we weren’t together, and relished my role as Garcia’s mom.  

As Garcia aged, his health failed. On June 6, 2011, I made the decision to allow Garcia to die with dignity. 

What followed was shock, sorrow—and silence. In that silence, I was left to wonder:  why aren’t pets afforded the same treatment as humans when they die? 

Garcia was an extraordinary dog and I felt he deserved an extraordinary farewell, so I planned a funeral for him. More than 50 people who knew and loved Garcia attended, and my grief started to lift. 

My experience losing Garcia convinced me that I am not alone in this experience of loving, losing and grieving pet—and with that belief in mind, I founded Paws to Remember.

Paws to Remember is a Nashville-based pet aftercare company that offers pet memorial services/celebrations of life, pet bereavement counseling, and assistance with creating meaningful, permanent memorials for pets.

What is the first thing a person should do after losing a beloved dog?

This is such an important question—and it brings up an important topic.  I think it is crucial that people understand that grief is uniquely personal and people grieve in different ways. The best piece of advice I could offer anyone who has lost a pet is this: know that your grief is not permanent and know that you will get through it. It may not feel that way initially, but those feelings will pass.

As a practical matter, one of the things I did, at my husband’s urging, that proved incredibly helpful was this:  we removed and donated the conspicuous reminders of Garcia that were left in the house (dog beds, bowls, toys).  Losing Garcia was terrible, but I think back on those days and know that seeing his empty bed, the toys he loved, and other reminders, would have broken my heart into a million pieces over and over again.   I think back on that experience and am touched and humbled that my husband had the wisdom to realize how important that was.  It was hard to do, but it helped me in the long run.

Why is losing a pet so painful?

There are myriad reasons why it hurts so much to lose a pet.  The bond we share with our pets is so intense, and so strong:  it can never be replaced. And pets make our lives whole.  Being without a pet creates so much grief and anguish just because we’ve truly lost an important part of ourselves.

I think that part of the intensity of our feelings centers on the fact that we are responsible for the pet completely. The late Dr. Wallace Sife, arguably the father of pet bereavement counseling and the man who trained me to be a pet bereavement counselor, explained that having a pet is like having a totally dependent child who never grows up.  We feel responsible for our pets and it is only natural that we often experience a false feeling of having failed in our role as caregiver when a pet passes away. Nothing could be further from the truth, but feelings are feelings, and not facts.

Perhaps, though, the reason it’s so painful to lose a pet is that pets just don’t live long enough. 

What are some ways someone can cope with losing a cherished dog? 

As someone who has been there, I know that there is no “one size fits all” approach to grieving, but I do think these four tips can help ease the process:

1) Find supportive and sympathetic people and let your feelings out. Cry. Don’t hold back. Your feelings have to come out. These are healing tears. If you suppress your feelings, this will only prolong the mourning and grieving process.  

2) Establish new routines at home. Change or vary the old ones. Drive a different route to work, vary your daily routines. We fall into the usual emotional patterns when we follow old patterns. 

3) As mentioned earlier, my husband suggested this and it helped me immensely--avoid keeping many conspicuous reminders of your grief. One by one, get rid of your pet’s toys and other things that you may have wanted to keep as mementos. If you can’t throw them out yet, then store them out of sight. The real memory is in your heart. You don’t need to rely on mere items to remind you of your love and years together. 

4) Go to pet bereavement support group support sessions. Tell your feeling to others who are undergoing the same misery. When you feel their tears, you will realize you are not alone. And sharing loving memories of your pet will be a healing experience, 

Is there a timeframe for grieving a dog? 

I am so glad you asked this question.  I think it’s incredibly important to address that there is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no formula for how long grief will last.  Grief is intensely personal. You may feel overwhelmed, sad, angry, despondent, numb, guilt-ridden, even relieved. It’s all normal.  

And it’s all okay. 

My sense is that many people who lose pets are simply shocked by the intensity of their feelings. Perhaps we subscribe to the theory that we should somehow mourn the loss of our human companions more, or that we should be more accepting of the loss of a pet.  That we should somehow understand that pets have shorter lives than humans, and that we shouldn’t be so despondent. That our relationships with pets just aren’t the same. That we shouldn’t hurt so much. That we should be able to bounce back more quickly. That we’re weak or “less than” if we don’t bounce back quickly. 

Quite simply, none of those things is accurate.  

In that same vein, the timing for grieving a beloved pet varies from person to person.  Time will eventually take away the sharp edge of the pain, but I would be disingenuous were I to say it ever really goes away. I lost Garcia nearly ten years ago and I still miss him. I always will.  

What are some ways to honor a dog you lost? 

Another great question that leads to a topic so near and dear to my heart!   I love the thought of finding a way to honor the pet that feels right to the owner.  For me, holding a memorial service for Garcia felt like the right thing to do.   I understand that a pet memorial service isn’t the right thing for everyone, but I do believe they serve an important function.

Memorial services for pets not only provide owners a wonderful, meaningful way to celebrate a pet’s life, but can even help owners in their healing process. 

I am neither hesitant nor ashamed to admit that I struggled mightily after Garcia’s death. I felt lost.  My life had centered on Garcia for so long,  and suddenly, all of that time and energy I devoted to the care and maintenance of Garcia was no longer spoken for. How was I supposed to fill my days without him, without our routine, without the series of weekly appointments?  I felt isolated.  I had found so much comfort in the wonderful group of people—veterinarians, specialists—who cared for Garcia as his health failed, and I missed them. I missed the routine. I missed Garcia. 

As I muddled through the shock, the sorrow, and the silence, I felt compelled to do something.  Ultimately, I decided that Garcia’s life was something that warranted celebration, so I made a decision—one that would, much like Garcia himself, change the course of my life. I began planning a memorial service for Garcia. 

What I found was this:  both the ceremony and the planning were tremendously healing for me. The planning afforded me an outlet for my grief—and I make a distinction between “outlet” and “distraction,” as I felt I was working through my grief in the planning and not just avoiding it.  I spent a great deal of time coming up with a list of people whose lives Garcia had touched. I spent hours combing through pictures I would display at the event, and making plans for the service. I spent time remembering Garcia, and the time we had shared. 

Did I go overboard?  Absolutely. Do I regret any of it?  Not in the least. 

As I worked to plan the event, I felt like I had a purpose again. I was doing something constructive. Something to honor Garcia. Something to celebrate his life. Something to acknowledge the loss. Something that allowed me to accept that he was gone. 

Garcia’s funeral/memorial service/celebration of life was an incredibly healing experience for me.  And here’s why: 

1) The planning and the service itself allowed me a way to honor Garcia in my grief. 

2) I felt so much love and support from the people who attended the service. 

3) That service is now among my cherished Garcia memories 

4) People who attended shared stories about pets they had lost, which made me feel less alone in my grief.  

5) It gave me a space to begin processing the loss.   

6) And it showed me that Garcia had touched so many people. Garcia meant so much to many people—and that was comforting beyond words. 

Having a house filled with people who loved Garcia meant everything to me.  So many people had stories of Garcia to share, and I was overwhelmed by just how many people had taken time out of their lives to celebrate my big shaggy dog.  

That service is something I will never forget—and being able to help others through my work with Paws to Remember is so meaningful to me.  It is a real honor to provide that service for others.

What could you do to help a family member or friend who lost a dog?

I think that far and away the most important thing is to acknowledge the loss. That can mean so very much to someone who is grieving. Just a simple “I am so sorry for your loss” acknowledges and offers validation. Ask if there is anything you can do, and offer to listen or share memories of the pet.  That can be a real comfort to someone who is grieving.  There is something incredibly comforting about feeling like you’re not alone when you’re struggling with grief. 

Are there any particular stories of someone honoring their dog that has stayed with you through the years?   

What a beautiful question!  There are so many. One in particular involves one of my dearest friends, Robert. Robert planted a whole grove of trees in memory of several of the dogs he has lost over the years, and it’s such a beautiful, living tribute to those companions with whom he’s shared his life.  

This is such a beautiful idea for so many reasons:  not only is this a living, breathing tribute to Robert’s dogs, but it also provides a place where he can remember them, and it’s something that the community can share in.   He tends it lovingly, takes such pride in it, and I know it is enjoyed by many! 

Why do some people dismiss pet bereavement and say “it was just a dog?”

I am so happy you asked this question. I cannot imagine why someone would diminish or refuse to acknowledge that someone’s feelings of grief are valid.  I do, however, know that anyone who has never felt the love or experienced that bond with an animal probably just doesn’t “get it.”  I feel sad for anyone who hasn’t had this experience. I have a hard time imagining just how much less rich my life would be without the love of pets. 

What would you say to someone who thinks pet bereavement is just a gimmick? 

While I would certainly allow them their opinion, I would encourage them to consider the phrase “disenfranchised grief.”  

In my training to become a pet bereavement counselor, my instructor, the late Dr. Wallace Sife, referred to grief over the loss of a pet as “disenfranchised grief”—grief that is not validated by society, friends, family or others. Disenfranchised grief results when others do not understand the significance of the relationship with the deceased, or when someone is unaware of the relationship and its importance to the bereaved.  

Pet loss is a perfect example of disenfranchised grief.  Pet lovers—especially those who are strongly bonded to their pets—understand. But society as a whole does not always have an appropriate understanding or respect for the bond between humans and pets and, consequently, does not understand how painful it is to lose a beloved pet. 

All too often, pet lovers may experience well-meaning people offering terribly unhelpful words in their time of need:   

“Are you going to replace the pet?” 

“Why don’t you just get another cat/dog/hamster?” 

“Don’t be sad. It was just a pet.” 

While insensitive and hurtful,  I maintain that such comments are typically borne of a lack of understanding, and not of ill intent. Can you imagine using such statements upon the loss of a human?   

“Are you going to replace the spouse?” 

“Why don’t you just get another grandmother?” 

“Don’t be sad.  He was just your best friend.” 

Granted—this is an exaggerated example, but one that makes an important point.  Grief over the loss of a human companion versus grief over the loss of an animal companion aren’t always treated the same. 

Maryglenn shares some tips on how to remember your beloved pet:

1) Plant something

One way to create a lasting, beautiful memorial to a pet is to plant something in the pet’s honor—whether a tree, plant, or flowers. Many communities offer ways to plant memorial trees in public spaces, or greenways.   

2) Memorial donations 

Another beautiful way to honor and celebrate a pet’s life is by making a memorial donation in the pet’s name to an organization, charity, or not-for-profit.  There are myriad wonderful places in this community that would welcome the support.   

Places to consider are animal rescue organizations, pet charities, or any cause near and dear to your heart.  Giving is such a beautiful way to remember and celebrate a pet’s love. 

One local pet lover I know, Marcia Masulla, went so far as to create a not for profit organization, Tiny But Mighty, that honors the spirit and memory of her rescue Chihuahua Chico. 

Given how much unconditional love and joy our pets bring, there is something remarkably fitting about honoring them in ways that help and benefit others.   

3) Jewelry 

Many people these days opt for physical reminders of their pets, and in recent years, I’ve seen more and more offerings for memorial jewelry, including rings, bracelets, lockets, pendants—even special vessels that hold a small portion of a pet’s ashes or cremains.   

In my work with grieving pet owners, I have noticed that a physical reminder—something to hold on to after the pet is gone—can be tremendously comforting.   

After Garcia died, my mother made me a special, handmade necklace with Garcia’s picture that I cherish to this day. 

If you are considering memorial jewelry, keep in mind that artists and artisans are one possible route—and a search of etsy.com might be worthwhile for finding someone to create a one-of-a-kind piece. 

It should be noted that there are companies that offer what they call “memorial diamonds” – diamonds made from a pet’s ashes, as well as other gemstones.  This alone is a testament to just how much people love their pets—and while these can be pricey, how to memorialize a pet, like grief, is a personal choice. There is no right or wrong way. 

4) Art 

I was so lucky to have good friends who presented me with a beautiful hand-painted portrait of Garcia after he passed away.  That beautiful piece of art hangs proudly in my home to this day. 

Custom art is a wonderful way to memorialize a pet—whether big or small, realistic or whimsical.   Nashville is brimming with talented artists, and if you don’t have someone in mind, ask around: I have seen some overwhelmingly beautiful artwork commemorating pets.   

Similar to custom jewelry, etsy.com is another option for finding an artist and commissioning a custom portrait or piece honoring the pet.  
5) Something more permanent 

There are several options for more permanent memorials—headstones, custom urns, memorial boxes—available specifically for pets.  Your veterinarian may be able to provide assistance in finding a source—and please do consider local sources, as there are some excellent providers in this area. 

In addition, many veterinarians, including my own, have offered clientele an opportunity to purchase an inscribed memorial brick in the past, as has Nashville Humane Association.  I loved having a chance to memorialize Garcia with a brick that I see every time I visit the vet and/or Humane Association.  That provided me with a great deal of comfort. 

Another more permanent option is a tattoo, which I finally did decide to do in Garcia’s memory.  I’m glad I took the time to think about it, but I can say without reservation:  I have zero regrets. I think of him every time I see it (it is on my ankle, so it is visible) and when people ask about it, I get to talk about how lucky I was to get to share a portion of my life with such a great companion. 

Thank you Maryglenn for sharing your story about Garcia, telling us how to move on after losing our sweet friends and showing us ways to honor the memory of our cherished pups. It’s never easy saying goodbye, but it’s good to know we are not alone and we will be able to move on.

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